You guys-- January kicked my butt. I really thought that it was going to be this great revelation, this turning point in my career and my personal life-- but honestly it just wasn't. It was the kind of month that made me feel like I was grasping desperately at anything that slightly resembled normal.
And I think I'm out of the worst of it -- I sat in a tattoo parlor and let someone dig into my forearm for two hours and I finally feel like I put Hank to rest (more on that later, I'm sure) and I think I might be on the other side. The calm doesn't feel ridden with guilt anymore. I'm in therapy. The fog is lifting a bit. I feel like me again.
My goals for January went haywire, as you can imagine, because of the massive piano that got dropped right in the middle of the month, but I'm going to re-cap them for you just the same because that's what we do.
✔ 1) Get back into a gym routine.
I went to the gym and that got derailed, but even still I'm counting this as a success. I feel more centered health wise (even though I'm currently benched from swimming because I'm healing a tattoo) and I feel like I'm beginning to ease into making good choices for myself.
✔ 2) Read 5 books!
I did it! I read Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl by Carrie Brownstein, Scrappy Little Nobody by Anna Kendrick, One More Thing by BJ Novak, Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner and We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie!
3) Pay off $2000 on our credit card.
This did not happen. January happened instead.
4) Start Hank's adult basic behaviorial training classes.
I was most worried about having to go over this one, but it's not as bad as I imagined. This goal did not happen. We were all really looking forward to it.
✔ 5) Start therapy.
Oh boy, did I ever start therapy. I had my first consultation the Tuesday before the Friday we lost Hank. I had a follow up scheduled for the next week that I cancelled. I was honestly not thrilled to go back to my therapist. It was a first therapy appointment. I had a lot of recent shit to deal with. I didn't know if we exactly clicked. I decided to go anyway because I wanted to have it marked off of this goal list... so I did and it was excellent. I cannot speak highly enough of seeing a therapist. She helped me grieve, gave me permission to begin moving forward, and spoke directly to my heart in a way I desperately needed. If you're thinking about seeing a therapist-- I'd reccomend you read this!
I don't really know where to go from here as far as goals go. I feel a little gun-shy, with good reason, from this past month. I've been told though that the only way to get through something is doing just that -- barreling right through it. Here goes nothing!
1) Get a tattoo.
2) Remix my current closet.
3) Do things (or prioritize working out in some manner every day.)
4) Celebrate Tucker + I's TENTH Valentine's together.
5) Attend two therapy appointments.
There's a little bit of everything in my goals this month. Some grieving, some self care (because dressing well is totally self care for me), a workout goal, a love related goal, and some therapy for good measure. What goals are you setting for February?